My Heart Is Awake With Many Things

(deep breath)...

I'm laying on a hotel bed in Texas. This has become an incredibly familiar place - this place of unfamiliarity. In January, it was great - it seemed like every new thing was just so good. But February decided to become one of the hardest months of the past year and a half or so. Everything seemed to drag on, relationships began suffering from communication problems and distractions, life on the road felt less enjoyable and more like a job again, and even though the Lord was providing in extravagant ways, I felt every inch of distance in my intimacy with the Lord. Maybe at some times they were more like miles.

I don't want to sound down, though. Yes, it's been hard recently (for myself and some of my closest friends), but we cling to our hope. God promised us His nearness. He vowed, swore, and made a covenant with us that He would give us the Holy Spirit as a comforter - teacher. He said the truth is that He longs to be near to us and that the lie from Hell is 'distance.'

At times, I've made the blasphemous mistake of blaming the devouring work of the Enemy on the 'will of God.' I've said that distance has come from God to make me hungrier for Him. Because of my need for a logical explanation, I've 'sacrificed my faith on the altar of human reason.' (Bill Johnson, sermon : 'Enduring Faith')

No, I don't know why I've felt distanced from God. But it's not from God. I cling to the hope that God will come, soon. He will once again be, as He has been millions of times before, faithful to his sons and daughters.

But for the sake of us who still need a reason, I can speculate : Maybe 'this kind only comes out with prayer and fasting.' Maybe I need to increase the amount of the Lord I allow in my life to remove this blockage, this demonic political spirit (the one that causes dissension, pride in rank, and an atmosphere of merit).

But regardless of what the reason may be, I will not blame the devouring distance I've felt this month on the One who came to bring life to the full. Nor will I blame Him for any sickness, disease, poverty, or any other Hellish aspect of the kingdom of darkness.

Am I saying that God cannot control these things and that these have happened against His will, that He is weak? Halfway. It was not His will for any to perish, to be stricken with disease or destruction. But He is not weak. He allowed us the free will we asked for. He is the covenant keeper. And because of that we must daily choose Him to come and free us from the prisons we come under as we neglect a right relationship with HIm.

Normally I'd apologize for the run-on thoughts and the lack of references to 'sound doctrine' (oxymoron?), but I'm not sorry. If any of this helps you, then amen. If this pisses you off, amen. If this bores the crap out of you... I don't blame you. All I know is I've needed to write this for a while now, and now I've done it.

I love you, whoever you are.

Scene Change

I'm tracking a worship record with Phil.

We started it back in August 08, but took some significant time off while he got married. Just today we hashed out a few songs and made lists of things we need in each. A few days ago we got together and got a vision for the record, mostly coming to the conclusion that we just need to finish what we've started, and do it as well as we can.

So for a few hours we sat and cut up songs, listened for what each one was lacking, and took in what the project is becoming as a whole. This was encouraging and discouraging at the same time. While I'm completely energized to put myself into this record as an important thing that contains so much symbolism and significance in my life, I am also very aware at the things hindering me from making it great sonically. I've been spoiled by the gear from other studios that I've learned in, and I know how things 'could' sound. But as we were listening today we began discussing the logistics of processing it when we are done doing all that the two of us can, including taking it to two other studios in Norman for some enhancing and final mixing.

I say all this (that many of you are just bored of reading and confused altogether) to say I am seeing a new day coming very quickly (and is upon me now) where I'm stepping into the next stages of the things I've been doing.

I'm also moving out of my current house this weekend to live with Brett for less $ than I pay now...

Life is once again taking me to another place. While it's a tiny scene change, it's definitely new.

My Favorite Number Was 8

I am sitting in Medieval Art History class, an upper division class usually taken only by art history majors. I say that to explain the foolishness of me blogging at the moment. But something was just said that I think is important for me to hear...

Growing up, my favorite number was always 8. I liked it because you could sit in class and draw over it and over it and never pick up your pencil for as long as you want. Around high school, I began drawing 8's with two circles instead of a vertical infinity shape...

Just now we are talking about octagonal shapes churches in the Medieval period. 

We discussed how there are 8 notes in a musical scale, and how the 8th note always recreates a new scale, rebirthing the scale.

The Lord also created in 6 days, rested on the 7th, and so the 8th day was a day of the cycle occurring again.

I've been experiencing shifts in seasons my whole life, but the past year has marked a cyclical pattern where things are coming full circle over and over again.

My birthday is the last day of the year, 12.31. Every time I turn a new age, the year is being made new as well.

Maybe I'll start drawing my 8's the way I did when I was younger.

twentyfivethingsyoumaynotknowaboutme

1. I was a skateboarder throughout middle school, and since my mom wouldn't let me wear Jncos, I got her to buy me some Lee Pipes. I got her good...

2. I can stretch the skin on my face a few more inches away from my face than most people can. I figured this out when I was bored in 5th grade.

3. There is only one other musician in my extended family, and it's always relieving when he's around during family gatherings. Sometimes I feel pressure to explain how a creative person can be financially successful in the world today, while at the same time communicating my passivity toward monetary gain.

4. I recently learned that I am an INFP.... Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling, Perceiving, with 90-95% Feeling. When I read the profile of INFP's, I was amazed at how accurate it was.

5. I only have energy to do things I really care about. But my energy for those things is intense and many times makes me obsessive.

6. When I was 15 I formed a group of about 10 friends together and orchestrated an outlandish way of asking a girl to be my girlfriend. This included fireworks when we kissed, cameras, walkietalkies, carpet, music, and a disco ball in the park, candles in the middle of a Taco Bueno, a song and an after party. Flawless, except I didn't like the girl THAT much.

7. I had two hernias when I was an infant.

8. I've totaled 2 cars. The first time, I was turning left at an intersection and a car full of my friends drove by to my right, screaming at me while I crashed head on with the car coming the other way. The second time, two years later, I was driving home after an appointment to see if I had ADD.

9. I married two girls at the same time in preschool and had my first french kiss with a 9th grader when I was in 5th grade. She was babysitting me while I was on a family trip in Alaska.

10. I've never broken any bones.

11. When I was 14, my best friend Ira and I would steal his parents' cars at 2am and speed around Tulsa, usually visiting multiple girls' houses.

12. When I was 4 and my brother was 8, he threw a dart at me and it pierced the corner of my mouth.

13. When I was 3, I ate a tiny piece of poop that fell out of my diaper, thinking it was a raisin.

14. I love making art and I love the art school, but it hurts me to see so many people lose their identity, allowing themselves to be defined by what they make, wear, listen to, or write. While this usually makes a person better at their craft, it's NEVER the exchange.

15. The Lord has been reinventing the way I experience Him everyday for over a year and a half.

16. I'm intensely sentimental, causing me to love fiercely and lose things painfully.

17. I check my email and follow links to Facebook if something alerts me. I have 192 inbox messages I haven't taken the time to delete.

18. I do artistic things for both enjoyment and employment : guitar, drums, keys, live audio production, studio audio engineering, photography, screenprinting, and graphic design all feel equally natural to me but I feel like I only know about half of what I need to know about each.

19. I'm left handed when I throw, golf, kick, and hit, but I'm right handed when I play guitar and write.

20. I experience the Lord everyday through recurring numbers. I was confused when it first started happening, but now I embrace it.

21. I am (arguably) too open about my spiritual experiences on my blog, but having some people (many I don't even know) tell me that it has blessed them has kept me connected to that.

22. I only hear the instruments (and vocals as instruments) when I listen to a song for the first time. This pisses off my friend Brett who only hears the words being sung.

23. Intimacy is the most important part of my relationship with the Lord. Community is the most important part of my relationship to the world around me.

24. I was expelled from Sigma Phi Epsilon fraternity for not paying. I think I should've been expelled for not caring.

25. I generally like really really sad or intimate songs.

Don't Let Your Serving Him Replace Your Knowing Him

Before Nick starts the piano intro for the song 'Missing You,' He almost always tells the same story:

"This next song comes from a few years ago when I was doing a lot of things for the Lord. I was leading worship weekly for about a thousand college students in Norman at the largest church, for the largest college ministry at that time. I was doing so many good things.

"Then one of my pastors came up to me and told me, 'NIck, don't ever let your serving God replace your knowing God.'

"I realized I had been doing things for the Lord, but that He didn't need me to. He didn't even want me to. He wanted to be close to me. To know me. I realized I'd been missing the most important thing in life. To know God."

Brett and I sat with Shane yesterday (our grandfather in the prophetic) and discussed this new year. We talked about all the healings, the prophetic words, the dreams; so many of these things have been happening in the last five or six weeks. One week, 24 people were healed. Multiple deaf ears popped open, a woman's breast cancer vanished, eczema faded before the eyes of onlookers, and backs were healed. People have been having dreams before things happen and others are being prayed over and encouraged with words that could only have come from the Lord.

But stop. Stop the harvest. I know it seems like a sweet momentum is here. It is, but stop. As soon as you feel yourself rolling in a great prophetic flow, stop. I don't mean stop it in the moment. I mean stop as soon as you can. Yes, the Lord loves momentum. Yes the Lord loves revival. But the only reason He loves it is because hearts are being brought closer to Him. If you feel yourself doing things more than you are being alone with the Alone, stop right there. God doesn't need your work. He wants your heart. This is always true. I'm not talking about a clock that marks the amount of time you're doing ministry versus the amount of time you are spending alone. I'm talking about your heart. You can feel it. Good indicators are fatigue, pride, laziness, a loss of passion, etc.

Then, finally, do the one thing God actually wants from you. BE with Him. Let Him physically hold you. Get out of the workzone and keep the Sabbath holy. Rest.

Just Sayin...

Brett and I are about to meet up with our prophetic grandfather. First time for us to schedule something like that officially. I'm pretty excited. I know pops is too. 'Stoked' was the word he used, though.

I sat down to spend time in the Presence earlier and the clock said 11:11. Luke 11 really charged up my time with the Lord today, speaking about the Lord's Prayer (specifically '... your kingdom come...') and 'the Father will give the Holy Spirit to those who ask.'

I stood up to go back to class and the clock read : 1:11.

Just now I got on facebook to upload an old video of Ira and I, and noticed that as of today, I have 1,111 'friends' on facebook.

11 is the number of the prophetic.

It all just hit me a few moments ago.

Just sayin.

Rebirth

I love the people the Lord has put in my life.

.. especially this year so far.

I've been on the road with Nick a lot. Definitely more than any other school month. And the next month is looking about the same.

Normally, this would cause me to lose touch with people in Norman, hibernating once again through another season. But this year is different. This month is different. This season is different.

The rules have changed. The atmosphere is not normal.

Just yesterday, Brett prophesied over me that this season is a season of an armor shift, where I'm stripped of the bulky gear of the past years and given new, slimline, more energy efficient equipment from the Lord. This word was powerfully accurate and gave words to the unexplainable change of years to 2009.

I sat in a group of four guys at house church yesterday and all of us had stories of encouragement that this new year/semester/season/month is incredibly significant, holding breakthrough after breakthrough in our own lives and those of the people in our communities of friends. All the breakthroughs for all of us could be explained as the Lord drawing us into more intimacy by redeeming, reconciling, healing, and rebirthing us in various ways.

I've shared with you about some of these things for me (victories in the lives of my close friends and the marriage of my prophetic father to name a couple), but along with these things has come a rebirth and igniting in the realm of relationships. I can almost tangibly feel myself being moved deeper into friendships with several people in my community, my new roommate (who I just met a month ago) is resonating with the heart of NormComm, I'm leading worship for a late night prayer meeting for our house church, Charlsey (a living, walking, breathing testimony of true intimacy with and redemption by Jesus) is allowing the Lord to mold her in beautiful ways, Madison's roommate is seeing and experiencing Jesus physically (and in many other ways) for the first time...    

much more.

I guess I'm saying all this to let you know you're invited to trust the goodness of God. Apparently, He's in the 'mood' to give His Holy Spirit to His children, redemption to the lost, the oil of gladness to the mourning, and deliverance to the afflicted. If I were you, I'd capitalize on that opportunity... Every moment I've been with Him I've received more than I had bargained for.