You're All I Need

I don't need anything else.

I don't need:

money

reasons for 'why things are the way they are'

recognition for what I'm doing or abstaining from

a girl to edify me and tell me what I am or am not

a direction to walk in or a highlighted theme or destination

comfort

peace

bliss

friends that provide support and encouragement

entertainment from food, movies, parties, 'hangouts'

success in what I love

a family that loves me

enough money to survive

a plan that is promising and stable

mentors that give me advice

prophetic words that heal

dreams that come true and solidify my faith in You

doctrine that is sound and persuasive

meaning for my situations

clothes that express my personality

clothes that keep me warm

music that soothes, empowers, and carries me

cigarettes that make me feel calm

alcohol that makes me forget what scares me

...even your Word

I do need:

You

And I do need you. Just you. "I need you just like the air I breathe; just like the freight train needs the tracks beneath (see Desert post)." When I am far from you, I feel like using one or many of the above things to pacify me and make me feel whole when I really am not. If I have your word hidden in my heart, but don't have You to channel and move me where you want to, I have nothing of value at all. It's like you're a Father with many children, and we're all out in your front yard. I keep picking up toys and running to you, asking if I can play with 'this one.' "Daddy, Can I move here? enjoy this person? drink this? practice this? just plain enjoy this?" And you keep saying, "Yes, you can. If you start getting too close to a snake, or start to cross into the dangerous street, I'll call you back."

And then it's like you are having me pick up specific toys... And I have these goggles on that see these highlighted toys, and I start walking obediently toward those specific things at specific times. But recently, you've been having me walk toward those highlighted things, and then as I'm about to be comfortable enough to pick it up and spend time with that toy, you shut off the highlighter and highlight something else. So obediently I walk toward the next thing. Then, sometimes you shut it all off and for a moment I have no direction. So then I go back to your feet.

Why don't I just stay at your feet and allow you to move me? Why do I keep taking ownership of what you're doing and start moving my unable legs? Why do I feel like I have some 'responsibility' to 'do the right thing' instead of just letting you do the right thing through me?

Jack me up. Rip me apart. Strip me clean. Fill me up. Pour me out.

'Jack me up' : crash me into the very brick walls I've set up.

'Rip me apart' : don't even numb me; cut open my chest for heart surgery.

'Strip me clean' : completely rid me of myself and my things.

'Fill me up' : rush your things into me; I receive your heart.

'Pour me out' : until I'm empty of what you've put in, pour your things onto everyone around me.

PAIN FROM YOU IS BETTER THAN PLEASURE FROM ANYONE ELSE. I KNOW THAT RECEIVING YOUR HEART MEANS PAIN FOR ME, AND I WANT THAT. CUT UP MY HEART AND MAKE IT BLEEDING, BRUISED AND CRYING FOR THE THINGS THAT MAKE YOUR HEART HURT. WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T NUMB ME UP FIRST. I WANT TO FEEL IT ALL, JUST LIKE YOU HAVE. THEN, FROM THAT PLACE, ALLOW ME TO POUR OUT THE TRUE COMPASSION, TRUE IDENTIFICATION ON PEOPLE THAT NEED YOU.

i love you.

-Blake

(photo from a child's open heart surgery in Sudan. from flickr)